What I did on my summer vacation

I can’t reveal our sources on this, but this was the winner of the National Sunday School’s new term letter writing contest that was held today in the Philadelphia area, sadly we don’t know the identity of the winning writer but all we can say is; Keep plugging away kid and you’ll have a fine career in the media…

Deer Jebus,

Teacher said that I should write a letter to you telling you what I did over my summer vacation, even though I know you’re watching over me all the time (can you not do that when my Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue arrives please). This summer I spent lots of time with some new friends and my new uncle Chip at his football camp. Uncle Chip is a very kind man like some of the ones in your book (that your daddy didn’t smite anyway) and I think he’s a friend of yours as I heard him talking to you every time he got me to do what he called a “deep drop 4 verticals bomb”. Uncle Chip’s favourite bird is the eagle which although it shows yours and your daddy’s majesty I asked him to think about changing it to the dove as I know you have lots of them in Hebburn where you live. He must have gotten food poisoning though as I heard him tell your daddy that he was about to throw up.

Anyway football camp was fun and I made lots of new friends there, there was Sammy who I thought played the same sort of football as me, but it turns out he’s what they call a Quarter Back (I thought that was what the homeless folk said to me when I shared my allowance with them). I wanted to be his friend and tried to teach him how to pray like I do, but he wasn’t keen on trying it, something to do with not being able to bend his knees properly. He had a friend called Marky that I didn’t really get to talk to as he spent all his time hiding from me after the first time we met, I don’t know what I did wrong because all I said was “these footballs are too big for my tiny hands and you can’t help but fumble.” He ran away crying and hid in the locker room for the rest of camp.

There was someone else there called Dee or Marco or Murray (I couldn’t work his name out and he seems to have 3 of them) who has been playing wild west games a lot as he was saying “howdy partner” to everyone like cowboys do all the time. He kept tricking me into giving him the ball and telling me he could show me what to do with it, I kept handing it to him thinking he was going to show me how to throw it properly but he kept running away with it to where all the big boys were having a play-fight. I found out that even though he’s my friend, he doesn’t like cartoons as much as I do because he kept saying “I thought Jerry was mad, but wow”. I like Tom & Jerry’s antics, although I always ask you to help Tom every time he swallows an ironing board, but it seems that Dee (or Marco or Murray) doesn’t and he thinks that Jerry is a total goofball (he’s only a mouse and you should love all your daddy’s creatures)

I had to leave football camp early though because Uncle Chip said that only the big boys can play on past the time to go back to school and even though I stamped my feet and cried and said that I was a big boy and it’s not fair that I’m not allowed to play and he’s as nasty as Uncle Rex, who’s gone to live on a buffalo farm in upstate New York (I wonder if that’s the same farm my doggy went to live at last year). He didn’t listen and made go back to mom & pop for the autumn. He said that if I was good then I might get another go next year, if he’s still in charge, but I think he might not be because his wife might keep him at home because they’re doing lots of mommy & daddy things judging by the way he kept saying he was… well I’m not going to say the naughty word as you’ll (rightly) strike me down for it, but it’s the special hug that mommys and daddys do when they love each other very much.

Anyway, that’s what I did at my football camp this year and I’ve heard that my next treat might be to go and see some trees in a place called Oak Land (I like trees as they remind me of the one you were nailed to for us!) where I’m going to learn how to be a mechanic because they’ve got a Car that might not work properly and they want me to help out. I’m a really luck boy aren’t I Jebus.

I’ll write to you again soon and give my love to your daddy like I do all the time.

Little Timmy