Wait, wait – don’t go just yet. Bear with me here. Yes, we’re talking about pizzas.
Every now and again at 3 Legs 4th Down we like to get a little silly. And tonight, while we were discussing our midweek meals of choice (and trying to come up with our own unique pizza), we started throwing out ideas for if your favourite team, player coach or fanbase was a pile of cheese, tomato and dough. Below are some of our favourites – and remember, if this article is 30 minutes or more, your next one is free!*
Overbaked base, with lots of jalapenos and greasy meats. Tough up front, and gives you the runs.
The Sam Bradford
A base so thin and crispy it collapses under the weight of its own sauce. Requires a skilled baker to put it back together.
Thick crust on the outside, paper-thin in the middle. Starts out tough, but falls apart as the dinner goes on
A plain cheese pizza, made with processed supermarket-brand dairy. It’s dull and nobody orders it but the chef keeps it on the menu
All the chef has in the kitchen is a packet of plain crisps, a dishcloth and something that may have been an onion at one point. He whips up the most amazing pizza ever
It’s a basic pepperoni. No more, no less. Everyone still leaves the dinner feeling full and satisfied.
The Chip Kelly
The topping choice is a little eccentric, but the baking is done slowly and carefully. No dark spots on the crust.
The Dan Snyder
A mixture of kosher and halal meats, sprinkled with pork and shellfish to offend as many cultures as possible. The chef sticks his fingers in his ears when questions are asked.
The Peyton Manning
You’re about to tuck into a delicious Hawaiian, when all of a sudden someone swaps a pepperoni in right under your nose.
The Eli Manning
Everybody spends dinner arguing about whether or not the it’s the greatest pizza they’ve ever eaten. There’s no guarantee it gets delivered to the right house.
The Brett Favre
Every pizza on the menu is a photo of meatballs.
The Jason Pierre-Paul
You order 5 iced fingers for dessert, but only three arrive.
The Dez Bryant
Someone picks up a slice and puts it back again. Everyone spends the next week arguing about whether or not he licked the slice.
The JJ Watt
It breaks all your teeth, and Chris spends every dinner for the next year telling you it’s not worth what you paid for it.
You ordered a meat feast, but you get delivered a vegetarian. You try to complain but the delivery driver gives you the finger as he drives off.
You beg your parents for pizza for dinner, and you give half your toys away to convince them you’re good. It’s the worst pizza you’ve ever eaten and you cry uncontrollably for the next 5 years.
The Kirk Cousins
The restaurant rings you up every week to ask if you like the pizza.
The Andrew Luck
The base is the freshest, most amazing dough you’ve ever tasted, but you can’t help wonder if it would be better with some toppings.
Even though it’s been terrible for years, you insist on going to the same pizzeria every week. One week, they serve up the greatest pizza you’ve ever tasted. On your way home, you get stabbed in the parking lot.
Wait, Tennessee has a pizza shop?
The San Diego
You get into an argument with the owner about the change. He eventually concedes and gives you the correct amount, but you died of starvation 4 weeks ago.
It’s a bowl of watery soup. Customers all dig in anyway, confident it will eventually taste good despite a different chef every week
And my personal favourite from our very own Paul:
You have a choice of serving platters for your pizza, but there’s no bowls.
*They’re all free. We’re nice like that.